VNV NATION ILLUSION!

New Begginings

I haven't been on here in a long time - funny how things going in your life can make you forget about the simple things that make you happy. I used to love writing, drawing, etc. I've lost so much of myself in the last couple of years. Trying to keep up with my mistakes. Most of which were completely my fault. Finally though, I've made a good choice in my life, pleased to tell the world I am incredibly happy with my new situation. I didn't know it could be like this, I always thought what I wanted was a made up thing you read about in books. Seems I was wrong, for once I'm happy to be proven so. I will admit that i am extremely scared of screwing up a beautiful thing with insecurities. I so badly want to hold on to this with everything in me I worry I will choke the life out of it. I consistently wonder  if I will be good enough or deserving enough to hold on to something so amazing. Everything thats left in me has completely surrendered to this new founded reality. I want to embrace it with no doubts or faults but my own stupidity prevents me from doing so. I hope that i can get over it, feeling as if Im not going to be enough. Sounds re-tardily emo-ish of me I know, still the fact remains this is how i feel. Nothing this amazing has every happened for me before & anything slightly good in my life has never lasted long.  It wouldn't normally bother me so much if it weren't for the simple fact that i know my heart & soul are involved in a way I didn't believe imaginable.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about that - I'm hopelessly in love and its wonderful. Just wish me luck that my own stupid insecurities don't get in the way of the most amazing thing in my life. - J

The Burning Moon

I take off into the night 

Racing to howl at the moon

We've never met, but I want you 

I crave you with a hunger unknown to me

You're in the dirt 

You're in the trees 

You're in the very air that I breath;

I can taste you in the rain 

& smell you in the spring 

I can feel you in the water,

as it runs over me.

My heart pounds so furious beneath my chest

I know its more than just burning lust 

Incapable of speaking your name 

which through dreams I hope to gain 

I look to the skys & send my love 

to you & our Kingdom up above... 

The Stolen Child by William Butler Yeats (one of my favorite people)

Where dips the rocky highland
Of Sleuth Wood in the lake,
There lies a leafy island
Where flapping herons wake
The drowsy water rats;
There we've hid our faery vats.
Full of berries
And the reddest stolen cherries.
Come Away, O human child! 
To the waters & the wild 
With a faery, hand in hand 
For the worlds more full of weeping, than you can understand. 

Where the wave of moonlight glosses
The dim gray sands with light
Far off by the furthest Rosses
We woot it all the night
Weaving olden dances,
Mingling hands and mingling glances
Till the moon has taken flight;
To and fro we leap
And chase the frothy bubbles
While the world is full of troubles,
And is anxious in its sleep
Come Away, O human child! 
To the waters & the wild 
With a faery, hand in hand 
For the worlds more full of weeping, than you can understand.

Fairy Tale Logic

I've come to the conclusion that the reason nothing seems to make sense to me in this world is because I don't come from it. Not that I'm an alien or what not, nothing quite that absurd, no no, instead I'm referring to either one of two things. One: That I'm from a different time all together, an old soul stuck in an old time that can't upgrade to the new version of life. Two: That I'm from a different Earth, a completely different realm of being and the logic that I use is unexplainable by humans on this Earth, just as what I'll go out on a limb and call their "logic" means nothing to me.  Don't you ever just know things? Without having to be told or taught, its instinctual, but no no instinct isn't taught here. Here unless you were told to do it or think by some one else who spent 5 yrs reading about it out of a freaking book - it means nothing. Why is it I can remember things like dancing water, fire that speaks stories of love life & war. I can remember running through forests with the dirt beneath my bare feet so clearly I can smell it. I can hear the drums that would entrance me to their rhythm - always guiding me. I know why I'm always going to be a little sad, a little unhappy - I'm always going to miss home. - J  

Turn off the lights...

The Dream World

So for the past week every night, I've been having the most vivid dreams I've probably ever had. Almost like watching suppressed memory's come to life in your imagination. Normally dreams don't bother me, I accept them as they are, dreams. Vividly detailed realms of my imagination and after thoughts while I sleep, however the dreams lately have taken on a new shape, a new meaning for me. I'm not sure what that meaning is, I was never one of those people that read into dreams or that it was a looking glass to my soul. For me if i dreamed about a tire it was b/c I changed the car tires the day before or was thinking about changing the tires, that simple. Now... not so much, then again - what's simple? Now when I wake I struggle to remember every last detail of my new world I live in at night, if I start to loose it - I feel like I'm forgetting some grand detail, some important part of the past, of my past. Who knows, I'm rambling, tends to happen when I don't feel like I'm truly sleeping at night. Off to the human world now. - J

Just Me

        What defines a person? What is a personality vs. a persona? I don't know, I've been thinking about a lot lately. Who I am, who I want to be, things I want to change or keep about myself. Who really knows you, I mean deep down to the bottom of your soul knows you? Not many, I'm not sure if its a survival instinct to always keep some deeper part of you to yourself or is it something more? Shame, regret, fear...

     I've come to realize why so many of my friends or others in general don't understand me, the things I do, the opinions I express, principals I stand for, what motivates me, things in life I have a deep passion for. They don't know me, how could they? Ive gone through the emotional roller coaster that is life so many times I've been given a V.I.P pass that allows me to always skip to the front of the line. Not that others haven't had it harder than I, there are always those poor individuals out there whom I don't envy that have always had it worse. I'm not here to claim otherwise, I'm not even really talking to anyone in general. My only wish is that while I vent, ramble and theorize on here that something will catch your attention, something maybe you've been thinking about that's been nagging the back of your brain for days, weeks, maybe even years. That through my ramblings and such you'll see something from a different view that will allow you to piece together whatever that "something" is that's been bothering you. Then maybe, if you figure it out you can give me the answer to that secret question we've all been asking at some point in our lives..